Posts (page 2)
For Him - I write these words
without fear, which fills me still
For Him - I take this chance with
heart in hand, these fragile fragments,
these shards of glass,
so delicate to touch though
pulsating ever still.
For Him - I find my strength,
deep within the mire of despair
on days when I'd prefer to wallow
He is the sun breaking through my clouds
For Him - I am healing
Mending broken bones,
cleansing salt from wounds
He lifts me from the ground
into his arms safe and sound.
For Him - there are no words that compare,
For Him - the world.
amorette.morrison
So I am back from hiatus. When I first discovered Vox, I swore I was addicted. I was amazed by all the wonderful people I was encountering. I felt a surge of creativity rushing through my veins. The flood gate of thoughts was open and I could hardly keep up with all of the ideas that were flowing through. Perhaps, even felt a bit drowned out by everything. I felt as though I wanted to write about so many different things, just throw my opinion out there for anyone to read. Maybe even find something in common with other people. Relish in the thought that there were others out there who felt the same way I feel, or thought the same way I think. It's comforting to know you are not the only one.
The past month has proven to be yet another series of life's little challenges. I'm not sure why all of this has happened all at once, but it has. One by one, people who I considered to be close friends have dropped like flies, off the face of the earth. A few years ago, even a few months ago, I might not have been able to deal with the rejection, but I've surprised myself. I am actually okay with how the events have unfolded. I've grown into a mature and secure woman over the past year through certain life changes I had to endure (unplanned) that I can look in retrospect on these relationships that have now ended and remember them fondly. I can take with me the things I have learned from each person. The character traits that I admired and created as my own rather than thinking of them with disdain. Sometimes these things happen in life. Sometimes friendships serve a purpose for a period of time, and once that purpose has been fulfilled, people move on.
For years, I've been trying to gather the pieces of my life together. I've survived many evolutions, many situations and now am finding myself more comfortable in my own skin. It does happen. It's been a wonderful month and a half and now I am ready to return to my passion - writing.
Sometimes we have to listen when the Universe speaks to us.
Early morning
Pre-dawn sounds
hover over my faint eyes
inviting the elite
who have dared to wake
at the break of light
But not I
I’ve cheated my way in
holding heavy lids
with every ounce of strength
Do I dare watch the sunrise?
Or will I succumb to the inevitable
Goose down white
Do you ever truly know someone? Know their internal workings like clockwork; know what keeps them going and what sets them off? What would you do if you knew one day, all the love you had for someone would turn into fear? Would you still attempt to change the future or would you run like hell in the opposite direction?
For dramatic purposes I will tell you that my life has been one series of unfortunate events after another. I could sit here and write about all the mishaps, but we have all paddled in that canoe at one time or another (some of us are still trying to get upstream). I am no different from anyone else. However, I will share certain events in my life that I feel have kept me bound and intimidated because I no longer wish to feel oppressed and maybe, just maybe what I have to say might inspire someone else.
I feel in love with a boy way back when Seattle was the music revolution mecca. To me, he was beautiful, intelligent, artistic so on an so forth. But this boy broke my heart. It was the first time I had ever felt a pain so deep that it shattered me from the inside out. I had given him the rights to my soul and he crushed it. I would never again allow anyone those rights with the freedom that I had given him all those years ago. Fast forward through time now, during a series of events that would bring this boy becoming a man and myself back together, however it would be my turn to break his heart. It wasn't intentional as in breaking hearts is never intentional. And fast forward once more to be reunited once again. This was it. Third time is always a charm.
And it was. He was charming. He was becoming the man I always thought he would be and I would be there with him and for him like his personal cheerleader. Unlike fairy-tales, this does not have a happily ever after. There was lying, and cheating (of the physical sense? I will never know, nor do I care), and manipulation. I had become spun in his deceitful web and to this day I'm not even sure what makes sense and what doesn't. He was a master at taking things that were rightfully his fault and turning them around to blame me for the reason as to why he said such a thing, or did such a thing. It was never his intention to hurt me, because it's never the intention of someone who abuses to abuse. It just happens, and its always the victim's fault for making them that way. "Sometimes I wish you weren't so beautiful so that I wouldn't have to worry about other men being attracted to you" he would say, and joke about throwing acid on my face because He loved me for who I was, not just my pretty face.
I think back on all of these things he would say, often in jest but wonder at the validity, if he really said these things with conviction. The rest of the story goes as follows.. after a brief separation, emotionally I was still connected to him and I could not envision my life without him. We became engaged, but when news broke to my family and friends, they were less than thrilled for me. This my friends is what you would call a "Red Flag"... A warning that something is awry. There were many red flags before this, but of course I dismissed them. Thinking the situation would change, he would change or I would change (aren't we always changing for our men?). Depression spiraled and I found myself no longer enjoying the things I used to enjoy, like the holidays. Soon after, I was hit with another catastrophe with the death of one of my closest family members.
Like all greek tragedies, there is always a climax, the turning point where the protagonist has a moment of clarity or truth regardless of how harsh the reality may be. I was Oedipus, and no longer was I blind to the misery that was before me. Unlike Oedipus, I still have my vision. Through the shroud of death, not only was I able to see, but I was able to smell the foul stench that brewed within him. That is when my journey to hell began.
From that moment, I tried everything to end things with ease. It is difficult to let someone go who has their claws deep within you. Emotionally, I was hooked. And I was led to believe I would never find anything better than what I had. I was able to end the engagement amicably, but for him there was always that lingering hope that this was just one of my crazy phases. At the moment when the shit hit the fan, he had from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde and back more times than I could count. Berating me and calling me every name in the book. From wild accusations of affairs to pleading with me. It was perhaps the most insane display I have ever been witness to.
My wish was that he would disappear - just move on with his life as I would be moving on with mine. But it didn't end there. There were vulgar text messages, more emails and when he could no longer contact me via phone or email, he sought out my family and my friends. The harassment has continued now for well into 7 months.
My family and my friends have been my support system and I am forever grateful for them. Especially since they have received the brunt of his insanity. I have lived in fear of him, never knowing when he's going to strike again. Never knowing what ridiculous accusations he will make up next, never knowing if he will be out there creating another web page about me. But I refuse to be a victim. I refuse to let this take the best of me. I refuse to let my life be governed by someone else.
When I first stumbled upon this site, I wasn't sure what to expect. I had contemplated blogging for a while. I have always enjoyed writing and have been searching for an outlet where I could do so without judgement and prejudice. I have come across some of the most inspirational people in such a short time that I felt I needed to voice this story to the public and not be ashamed to hide behind it any longer. This is the last nail in the coffin, for after this moment, he no longer exists to me. My solemn vow for 2008 was to start over.
My heart is delicate, but it is not afraid. I have been hurt, but I can love and I want to feel love because when it is right, and it is pure, it is amazing.
In honour of the upcoming Hallmark endorsed holiday, I felt it would be rather fitting to discuss my love/hate relationship with Valentine's Day and all that comes with l'amour. I remember many Valentine's Days as a child, just sitting, wishing, hoping even praying that my true love would appear before me with flowers and a gaudy heart shaped box filled with a myriad of chocolates and profess his undying love and affection for me. This never happened. It is quite possible because I was about 8 years old and had been brainwashed by the Disney princess movies. By 10 years of age, I had resigned myself that I would give up on Valentine's Day for all eternity (I could be a little dramatic, character flaw, my apologies). This however changed once I entered high school and fell in love for the first time. He gave me a single red rose which I kept in a box until it crumbled to dust, much like our relationship - just dust in the wind.
That was many moons and many boyfriends ago. Life has taught me many things. It can be rewarding and it can be very cruel. In my hmmhmm years of existence I've come to realize that all I really want is to love and be loved. Does that make me pathetic? Perhaps I can have moments of patheticism (I've made this up for context purposes), but on a whole I am simply adhering to one of the most basic human needs (according to Maslow "Love and Belonging" is the third layer of human needs followed by Self Esteem and Self Actualization). I still have those elementary school girl pangs for flowers and candy on Valentine's Day, but deep down I know it is more than material items. Love is more than the Godiva chocolates, the dozen plus red roses, the dinner reservations at the exclusive restaurant you made your beloved make otherwise he's a pathetic spineless man who doesn't know how to treat a woman; it's not about the 5 carat engagement ring you demand otherwise you'd have to think about getting married.
It's not even about the sexy lace crotchless tanga panties (okay well maybe it is, we can argue about that one later). To love and be loved should not be reserved for one day. If you are lucky to have found love and even luckier to be loved, then cherish it every day. The whole "life is short" phrase isn't bullshit and you never know what tomorrow can bring. The biggest problem I have with Valentine's Day is that most people feel that they have to partake in the 'festivities". They don't do it because they want to, but rather because 'someone' told them if they don't send a card, flowers, candy then their girlfriend, lover, wife will think they don't love them. I don't know about you, but I would rather someone do something nice for me because they truly want to and not because Hallmark says they have to.
The only fluff I enjoy is with my peanut butter...
My Groups
-
BeYourOwn.Personal.Library Updated: A moment ago
-
We♥Music Updated: 19 minutes ago
-
Things on Tuesday Updated: 20 minutes ago
Neighborhood
Explore friends, family, friends & family, or entire neighborhood.
