Do you ever truly know someone? Know their internal workings like clockwork; know what keeps them going and what sets them off? What would you do if you knew one day, all the love you had for someone would turn into fear? Would you still attempt to change the future or would you run like hell in the opposite direction?
For dramatic purposes I will tell you that my life has been one series of unfortunate events after another. I could sit here and write about all the mishaps, but we have all paddled in that canoe at one time or another (some of us are still trying to get upstream). I am no different from anyone else. However, I will share certain events in my life that I feel have kept me bound and intimidated because I no longer wish to feel oppressed and maybe, just maybe what I have to say might inspire someone else.
I feel in love with a boy way back when Seattle was the music revolution mecca. To me, he was beautiful, intelligent, artistic so on an so forth. But this boy broke my heart. It was the first time I had ever felt a pain so deep that it shattered me from the inside out. I had given him the rights to my soul and he crushed it. I would never again allow anyone those rights with the freedom that I had given him all those years ago. Fast forward through time now, during a series of events that would bring this boy becoming a man and myself back together, however it would be my turn to break his heart. It wasn't intentional as in breaking hearts is never intentional. And fast forward once more to be reunited once again. This was it. Third time is always a charm.
And it was. He was charming. He was becoming the man I always thought he would be and I would be there with him and for him like his personal cheerleader. Unlike fairy-tales, this does not have a happily ever after. There was lying, and cheating (of the physical sense? I will never know, nor do I care), and manipulation. I had become spun in his deceitful web and to this day I'm not even sure what makes sense and what doesn't. He was a master at taking things that were rightfully his fault and turning them around to blame me for the reason as to why he said such a thing, or did such a thing. It was never his intention to hurt me, because it's never the intention of someone who abuses to abuse. It just happens, and its always the victim's fault for making them that way. "Sometimes I wish you weren't so beautiful so that I wouldn't have to worry about other men being attracted to you" he would say, and joke about throwing acid on my face because He loved me for who I was, not just my pretty face.
I think back on all of these things he would say, often in jest but wonder at the validity, if he really said these things with conviction. The rest of the story goes as follows.. after a brief separation, emotionally I was still connected to him and I could not envision my life without him. We became engaged, but when news broke to my family and friends, they were less than thrilled for me. This my friends is what you would call a "Red Flag"... A warning that something is awry. There were many red flags before this, but of course I dismissed them. Thinking the situation would change, he would change or I would change (aren't we always changing for our men?). Depression spiraled and I found myself no longer enjoying the things I used to enjoy, like the holidays. Soon after, I was hit with another catastrophe with the death of one of my closest family members.
Like all greek tragedies, there is always a climax, the turning point where the protagonist has a moment of clarity or truth regardless of how harsh the reality may be. I was Oedipus, and no longer was I blind to the misery that was before me. Unlike Oedipus, I still have my vision. Through the shroud of death, not only was I able to see, but I was able to smell the foul stench that brewed within him. That is when my journey to hell began.
From that moment, I tried everything to end things with ease. It is difficult to let someone go who has their claws deep within you. Emotionally, I was hooked. And I was led to believe I would never find anything better than what I had. I was able to end the engagement amicably, but for him there was always that lingering hope that this was just one of my crazy phases. At the moment when the shit hit the fan, he had from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde and back more times than I could count. Berating me and calling me every name in the book. From wild accusations of affairs to pleading with me. It was perhaps the most insane display I have ever been witness to.
My wish was that he would disappear - just move on with his life as I would be moving on with mine. But it didn't end there. There were vulgar text messages, more emails and when he could no longer contact me via phone or email, he sought out my family and my friends. The harassment has continued now for well into 7 months.
My family and my friends have been my support system and I am forever grateful for them. Especially since they have received the brunt of his insanity. I have lived in fear of him, never knowing when he's going to strike again. Never knowing what ridiculous accusations he will make up next, never knowing if he will be out there creating another web page about me. But I refuse to be a victim. I refuse to let this take the best of me. I refuse to let my life be governed by someone else.
When I first stumbled upon this site, I wasn't sure what to expect. I had contemplated blogging for a while. I have always enjoyed writing and have been searching for an outlet where I could do so without judgement and prejudice. I have come across some of the most inspirational people in such a short time that I felt I needed to voice this story to the public and not be ashamed to hide behind it any longer. This is the last nail in the coffin, for after this moment, he no longer exists to me. My solemn vow for 2008 was to start over.
My heart is delicate, but it is not afraid. I have been hurt, but I can love and I want to feel love because when it is right, and it is pure, it is amazing.